Bursting the Bubble
I feel so conflicted about my bubble. I like knowing that I have a bubble of safety. Dying seems terrible - I’m not ready. Facing my mortality, and that of my parents, spouse, children and friends is overwhelming. I miss my previous life where I didn’t have to contemplate mortality for a trip to the grocery store (did I just touch my face?!?) or coffee with a friend. But while there are government orders to stay home and stay away from everyone and everything, it’s much more straightforward what to do. Obviously, stay home and stay away.
But now, as things in Texas start to open up, and I come to terms with the reality that this is going to last months, or years, it’s harder to see the path forward. Should I meet up with a friend for coffee? Go to work? Send my kids to childcare? Go into a grocery store? Meet up with family?
On the one hand, I want us to stay safe. Not dead. Not dead has been a parenting goal since day one. Not willing to give that up.
At the same time, if this is going to last months or years, we have to return to find some kind of new normal. New normal probably wears a mask. New Normal probably doesn’t go to any large gatherings - weddings, concerts, events…not going to happen. But do I have a friend over to my house? Should we stay outside? Clearly we can’t hug. Can we share a bottle of wine if we each pour our own and sanitizer our hands after? How do you find a new way to live where every little decision doesn’t make you contemplate dying? It’s not worth sharing a bottle of wine if when I pour a glass, I have to contemplate how many people it will kill in my family.
Do I make my kids wear a mask? Can they have a playdate? Can I trust them to make good decisions about social distancing and hand washing and sharing germs? Clearly not.
And it feels like a bubble. I’m in a safe bubble today, but it’s starting to stretch beyond its limits with each passing day. Can I do this? Can I do that?
The thing about bubbles is, they burst. Pop, and it’s all over. So if my bubble bursts, should I throw caution to the wind? Host a large party?
Perhaps a bubble isn’t the best metaphor. Perhaps it’s a process of expanding my contacts, and reaching a maximum number of acceptable risk. But if I’m going to get it anyway, and then likely not again, can I just get it over with? Seems like I’d worry less. So large gatherings it is. Bring back the chicken pox party. Never mind. I’m not going to do that — I’m definitely staying in my bubble. But it’s a struggle to know what to do.