Corona Gloom, and the Light

I have been feeling really down about staying home. The news is...depressing (to say the least). When we first started staying home in March, I had a good attitude. My self talk sounded like this, “Okay, this will be a challenge but I have lots of ideas to make the most of it. It will be a new kind of adventure, where we get lots of high quality family time and get to finally do all those projects we never get to. We can make the best of this for everyone.” 

And then, in May and June, it felt like the light had arrived, and maybe we’d have to stay home again some in the Fall, but for Summer, we would get some kind of normal. We could wear a mask. No problem - I bought some cute ones. I’m making the most of that too. Things are opening, we planned a road trip. Road trips can be fun!

And slowly, the light faded as it became crystal clear that this is not over, so far from over, and in fact, April was the best of it, the safest we would be for a while. We were so careful, we knew less, and there were less cases. June and July have just brought the gloom in. There is no end in sight, and staying home is the new plan. For an undetermined length of time. There is no leadership offering hope that we can solve this together, just fighting and not listening and … despair.

I’m totally, 100% over it. I mean, I am so over it. SO OVER IT.

And that didn’t even touch on the systemic racism part. Which is a whole other bucket of salty misery and unresolved trash, and also depressing. I’m not here to list all the reasons to feel sad - I think you have your own detailed list.

Last week, I was feeling like there was no hope. Everyone is horrible. I was sleep deprived because Harper got her tonsils out (more on that later) and so I was having to get up in the middle of the night to give her medicine, and then she wasn’t going back to sleep, so neither was I. I’m terrible without my sleep, and the fog just settled in. I didn’t do the things I know help me feel good - write my daily journal, exercise, drink water, eat healthy food, make plans for future fun, socialize in whatever limited way is possible right now. I just - was. I don’t know what I did - I did the necessary work, I did the necessary home stuff, I took care of Harper. I tried to tune out, to turn my brain and my heart off so all the despair would just stop.

That didn’t work. But I kept on trying.

Ruthie went to visit my parents for the weekend, and I had already planned to set up her new room. She and Harper were sharing a room, but we decided to let Ruthie move into our old au pair’s room since we won’t be getting a new au pair for a while since there are no visas. The furniture and art I had ordered arrived, and this was the chance I had to do it. 

So I started painting. My hands hurt. It’s repetitive. I just listened to Hamilton on repeat and painted. Up and down, up and down. As the lavender came to light on her walls, the light started to come back for me too. I could see the fruit of my work, I could imagine the joy she would feel. Doing something creative, for someone else, gave me just the medicine I needed. I did it for her, but I did it for me. Tommy helped, and I know he didn’t want to. It was an act of love on his part, since when I told him my idea to redesign that room, he was strongly opposed. Saturday afternoon, I arranged the furniture and hung the art, with his help. It was done, and so perfect. I knew she would love it. I went up and looked at it over and over for the whole weekend, and I sent a picture of her room to everyone. I felt some hope again.

Saturday night, Tommy and I decided to have a leisurely date night (at home). We ordered takeout (thanks Chuys). We made the time to just eat chips and salsa first, after Theo went to bed. Then we had our meal. With Theo, our meals are always a race to eat, which we usually lose, before he starts melting down and throwing food. We put on our pajamas and watched the office. We just talked and laughed. Laughing was so good. Just lowering the expectations, allowing the time to be enough. Because actually, it is enough. I’m always so focused on improving things, the next steps, the goals, executing my vision, and the future. Tommy brings so much joy into my life because he lives in the present. He has a mindset that the present is enough. That the current situation is enough. And I allowed that in on Saturday night, and it was enough. It was more than enough. 

For all the tornados of misery outside our doors, the light shines bright inside. I can and will work to try to do my part to make the outside world better, but I have to find the light at home first. For myself, I found doing something hands on, creative, for someone else healing. I was able to recognize someone else doing something out of love for me and accept and acknowledge it. With that healing and self-love paid up, I was able to find the connection and joy with my partner. It was a good lesson to remember, for when the fog arrives again. One of the pieces of personal growth that I am proudest of during the last few years is my ability to know myself and to effectively care for myself. I keep adding to my tool box, organizing it better. I have come to realize that I cannot get rid of the pain, the worry, and the occasional gloom, but I can equip myself to find my beautiful self again in the midst of the chaos. 

Also — you should check out her new room below. I’m so happy with it, and so was she.

Still makes me happy to look at it.